I have been pretty open about my childhood, especially on Facebook, and how it shaped me as an adult. It’s the fuel behind my entire life, and even at 52, it still affects me.
I grew up in an apocalyptic faith. A doomsday cult, if you will, we were fundamentalist and very strict. If you wanted salvation in the afterlife, you had to follow the rules. I learned how to dissociate at a young age and go to my happy place, deep in my mind, as I sat in church 3 times a week. I could even flip the Bible to the right page and not be aware I was doing it. The tenets of the faith stuck with me, even as I fought against the faith in my teens. Before I left the faith. Some things you cannot shed. It is hardwired into you.
I know my self-reliency comes from it.
If I shut my eyes, I can see my Dad lecturing me as a child not to be reliant on anyone else. To not submit to Caesar, used biblically, but also that while we had to do what the government said, we could be subversive if it was unjust. For them, this was about their faith being persecuted.
If you were reliant on the system (the government), it could be taken away in a blink. All it took was doing things that weren’t approved.
He said to me far too often that I should be self-employed. To not carry debt. To grow food. To know how to fix things. Live rural. Keep your head down and out of sight.
Life skills, Ya’all. That was what he was drilling into my head.
It wasn’t all religion; he was born in the Great Depression. He had a miserable childhood in the cold plains of Eastern Montana with his Dad, who was truly an awful person.
Yet 34 years after I left the faith (nearly twice as long as I was in it), things still resonate with me. I lost my Dad at 30; there’s a lot I’d love to say to him, with years behind me. That I get it now. It was never about the religion; it was his own life experiences growing up. He needed religion to keep him focused.
His longest lecture was “Do not be beholden to others.”
What did he mean?
When you are beholden to others, you are owned. You cannot live a free life. If you live beyond your means, your life choices get smaller because of debt. If you take government services, the government gets to run your life. I don’t want to co-live with the government. I have never wanted that. I want to live my life as best as I can – even if it means I don’t have a safety net.
But does it affect my life in other ways?
It does.
This fall, I applied to a particular program —one that would give my work in plant growth a title and meaning. Kind of like having a college degree, so you can say, “Yes, I know what I am talking about.”
I have wanted to do it for years, but with raising children and then the Covid years, I didn’t have a chance – where we lived, they didn’t offer the program for a long time. It takes months to take the classes, and then requires copious volunteering. Something I DO have experience in. So when the applications went live, I happily filled them out. I talked about my goals, what I have done in the past, and so on. I have a long history of volunteering with a wide range of groups and organizations.
Then it ended, and I was asked for references as if I were applying for a part-time job at Target. It was just jarring. I have never encountered this for volunteering, as they do a state background check. This is a program I would be paying for, and I promise to volunteer to help others in the community as part of it.
And honestly, I was stumped. I haven’t worked a “real” job since 2007. I have been self-employed and a stay-at-home mom since then. I moved this year, cross-country. I barely know anyone local.
But most of all? I do not like being beholden to anyone. I want people to see what I have done, not be influenced by what others say about me. I wanted to say, “Look at my website. It is my reference. It is my life’s work in growing.” But life isn’t set up for that, is it? It’s set up in old ways that worked for the Boomers and the Silent Generation. I live in a different world.
I might be an extrovert, but I count my true friends lightly. I only have a few people I truly trust (another leftover from my childhood? Trust few.) And I don’t want to be beholden to them, asking them to do things for me. I will do things for them, but I do not want to be in others’ debt, or worse, ask them to do things they are uncomfortable with. Because I do not ever want to assume they are comfortable with a stranger contacting them.
Maybe this isn’t really an issue, and they’d be happy to do it. But it is the asking that skeeves me out.
The side of me that is a little girl says, “Eh, we don’t need them” to the program.
And let’s be real, I don’t “need” it.
It would be fun, I know. I would meet more people locally and get to help others. But to do that, I must be beholden to others. And I am not sure I can do that. It’s against everything I am, and stand for.
I replied that I genuinely don’t have references. I have not had a “normal” career. I don’t have an active local social life. I asked why they wouldn’t just do background checks? I am sure I sealed my doom by vocalizing this. I don’t always speak well. I felt like saying, “Just read my blog, and you will understand.”
So if I don’t get accepted?
Then I’ll keep doing what I do best: Learning on my own and teaching about it here on the website. On Facebook and Instagram. In reels.In person to my neighbors and people I meet.
And feeling so wanted and needed when people message me about gardening, preserving, and more. Asking “How do I do this? Did I do this right?” Knowing I am doing the work I was designed for, feeling connected to God, the Earth, and to other humans.
But I won’t be beholden to anyone.
And that is my life motto…to stay true to myself.
~Sarah